


the world won't fall apart

by komet



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, Anxiety, Cussing, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing, evan's mom is trying, jared is fuckign
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 15:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/komet/pseuds/komet
Summary: What if Connor Murphy hadn't died?





	1. fucking freak

**Author's Note:**

> this chapter is literally a recap of evan's attempts to get people to sign his cast  
> u can watch this onstage but hey i need this for the plot lol

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today's going to be an amazing day and here's why:_

_Because today all you have to do is just be yourself! But also confident, that's important and interesting, like easy to talk to, approachable. But mostly be yourself, that's number one; be yourself. Just be true to yourself._

He knew this letter was practically useless when he started rapidly typing about not worrying about his hands getting sweaty, but he still got far enough to recount the Murphy Band Practice incident. All he had to do was be himself. Right. Because that had gotten him.. so far. 

No, no, he contradicted himself, he had to give today a chance! His bedroom door swung open and he jumped slightly, immediately closing his laptop. 

"So, you just decided not to eat last night?" 

And here came another round of uncomfortable mom talks.

 

_**“** Buck up just enough to see the world won't fall apart. **”**_

* * *

 

Evan walked into the school well after the initial crowd did, keeping his eyes down and still worrying about the people around him despite knowing that nobody cared that he was there. He was being himself, alright..

"Hey! How was your summer?" 

Evan looked up at Alana, then throwing a glance over his shoulder to be sure that she wasn't talking to someone else. He swallowed nervously, getting ready to speak up before being cut off, which he didn't mind. 

"Mine was productive!"

Evan didn't really listen as Alana informed him of her three internships and ninety hours of community service, mostly just shifting from foot to foot and looking around so as not to make eye contact. At least three nervous tics were visible. He felt like he was being rude. He didn't know if she wanted him to say something. Had he actually already screwed up his first day of senior year? He wasn't much more than an inconvenience at this point. 

"T-that's really,-" He stammered, falling silent again as Alana spoke.

He gave a few half-nods, not really hearing her as he tried to work up the courage to ask what he was supposed to. 

"Do you wanna maybe.. It's- I'm sorry, I don't know your, um- You have to.." he gestured randomly, able to tell that he was speaking far too quickly and choppily, as he had a habit of doing. "Do you wanna just sign my cast?" He finally asked, eyes still flickering around the hallway. Eye contact was the most uncomfortable thing he could think of. Well, besides when his hands got sweaty, he was beyond saving when that happened. Most of his brain was drowned out by the overwhelming embarassment of asking someone he barely knew to  _sign his cast_. 

"Oh my God! What happened to your arm?"

He just loved telling that story. Although, it wasn't like he particularly loved talking to people at all. He felt like he was just embarassing himself by being there.

 

_**“** We're not giving up before we've tried.. **”**_

* * *

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much? Or do you consider that an honor?" 

Evan's face burned as Jared's snarky voice found its way through his foggy, whirling mind. He looked around to make sure nobody had heard, though it wasn't like people listened to him anyway. 

"That's not what I did! I wasn't- I wasn't doing that!" He rushed to defend himself, alternating between looking at the floor and looking at Jared himself. 

"I'm painting the picture; you're in your bedroom, you've got Zoe Murphy's Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cellphone-"

"That's not what happened!" Evan denied again, ears bright red as he started sweating a bit. This kind of thing made him regret confiding in Jared. "Obviously.. I was- just- well, I was climbing a tree, and I fell." He said, satisfied with his answer as he looked down at the tile. Christ, Jared made him nervous. But then again, so did the delivery guy. 

"You fell out of a tree?" Jared practically cackled, raising his eyebrows. "What are you, like, an acorn?"

Okay, sure, it was pathetic, but was else was new? Evan wasn't exactly known for being 'super rad'. 

**•  •  •  •  •**

After a few minutes of uncomfortable story-telling and nerve-inducing conversation, Evan got to his point.

"D-do you wanna sign my cast?" He asked quickly, swallowing down a wave of anxiety as his face heated up again. 

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well I just thought- 'cause we're friends-"

Jared was quick to correct him. "We _'_ re  _family friends._ That's like, a whole different thing and you know it." 

Evan flinched as Jared clapped him on the shoulder. "Hey- tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance." 

Evan stayed silent as he shoved the marker back in his pocket and moved off to the side, looking up as Jared spoke again.

"Hey, Connor! Lovin' the new hair-length; very 'school shooter chic'." Jared laughed at his own joke, and Evan watched as Connor stood there silently. The kid looked like he was high or something. "I was just.. kidding. It was a joke," Jared clarified, still keeping up his quippy tone.

"Yeah, no, it was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell?" Connor said in a voice nearing emotionless, completely stone-faced. Evan instinctively moved backward as Connor moved forward. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

"You're such a freak," Jared said as he threw out an arm in exasperation, turning and heading off down the hallway. Evan gave a somewhat nervous chuckle. 

"The fuck you laughing at?"

"Wha-" Evan said weakly, instantly afraid. 

" _Stop_ fucking laughing at me!"

"No, no, I'm not-"

"You think I'm a freak?" Connor shouted, walking forward now. Evan's heart leapt into his throat.

"No, I don't!-"

"I'm not the freak!" 

"I wasn't laughing-" 

"You're the fucking freak!" Connor shoved Evan, hard, and he hit the floor. He stayed there a moment. Evan stood, hearing Connor storm off down the hall. 

He'd learned to slam on the brakes before he'd even turned the key. So how did he keep messing up? He was supposed to give people no reason to stare, he wasn't supposed to slip up when he could just slip away. He could just run, like he always did. He'd stepped out of the sun once he'd learned it would just never stop. He constantly felt like he was just.. on the outside. Always looking in. 

"Hey! I'm sorry about my brother, I saw him push you. He's a psycopath."

He was startled out of his thoughts by Zoe Murphy herself, getting a nauseous feeling as he looked away several times. He tried desperately to remember any of the lines he had prepared in case he ever did get the chance to talk to her, but he was drawing a blank. His mind was a whirlpool, and he was getting vertigo just trying to think. 

"Evan, right?" She asked as he continued to look around dumbly.

"Evan." He repeated in a voice that made him cringe internally. Why had he just repeated that? He could've just said 'yeah' or at least something cool..

"That's your name?"

"Yes! It is! It's Evan,- sorry!" The words tumbled out awkwardly and he smiled feebly.

"Why are you sorry?" 

"Because you said Evan and then I said it, I repaeated it, which is just- that is so annoying when people do that, so-" he said like a bat out of hell, feeling his hands moisten exponentially.

"I'm Zoe," she greeted with that ingenious smile of hers, reaching her hand our to shake his. Oh, God.

**•  •  •  •  •**

He was floundering. And now she was walking away, shit!

"Youdon'twannasignmycast,doyou?" He asked hastily, his words completely blending together now.

"What..?"

"What? Wha'd you say?"

"I didn't say anything, you said something.." She pointed out, Evan willing himself to  _please say something not stupid and awkward_. Stupid and awkward was his area of expertise, though. The one and only thing he was good at; screwing up.

"No, I- Me? No way," He assured her. "Jose." He added lamely, the nauseous feeling resurfacing. He had actually just said that.

_She's gonna hate you so much why did you say that // That was the dumbest thing you could've possibly said // Just run just run just run //_

"Okay.. Jose," she laughed, Evan nodding frantically as she walked off. 

He was definitely alone for the rest of his life. It wasn't like he expected anything else.

_**“** Every sun doesn't rise. **”**_

* * *

Evan survived through the day silently, staying out of the way and drifting behind the scenes. The most his presence was acknowledged was as an obstruction, since at least three people had run into him and he'd been too ruffled to say anything but a stammered 'sorry' on each occasion. 

_**“** When you're falling in a forest and there's nobody around, do you ever really crash, or even make a sound? **”**_

* * *

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all._

_And it's not going to be an amazing week or an amazing year because,_

_why would it be?_

_I know, I know, because there's Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know. And who doesn't know me._

_But maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe,_

_maybe nothing would be different after all._

_I wish everything was different._

_I wish I was part of...something. I wish anything I said mattered to anyone._

_I mean, face it; would anyone even notice if I just_

_disapppeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, Your Best And Most Dearest Friend,_

_Me_

 

All he heard was silence as he stared at the screen. The printer was going, but that sounded distant, almost not real at all. It was the kind of static silence that was loud, suffocating, unrelenting. Unbreakable, no matter how loud you screamed. The world felt stagnant.

...Would he ever make a sound?

"So," 

Evan nearly jumped out of his skin as Connor's voice cut into his somberness. 

"What happened to your arm?"

"Oh.. I, um.. I fell out of a tree, actually," said Evan quietly, looking down at the white cast.

"You fell out of a tree." Connor echoed, and Evan confirmed weakly. "Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard, my God." Connor retorted, laughing a bit.

"I know."

 

"Hey, no one's.. signed your cast."

"No, I know," Evan said dismissively, nodding slightly as he kept his eyes down.

"Well I'll sign it."

Evan swallowed thickly, anxiety clawing at his chest and his mind.

"Oh, y-you don't have to," Evan said faintly.

"Do you, uh, have a sharpie?" Connor asked, apparently resolute.

Evan was quick to retrieve it from his pocket, shuffling forward and handing it to him. He had a weird feeling about this.

He had a weird feeling about everything. 

 

Connor ended up signing the cast in massive letters, taking up the entire front side.

"Oh, great, thanks..!" Evan said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster, looking down at the huge signature. 

"Yeah, well, now we can both pretend we have friends."

"That's.. good," he said haltingly. "Good point.." Evan started to quickly walk off to retrieve his letter from the printer.

"Is this yours?" Connor asked loudly, almost sharply. "I found it on the printer. It's.. ' _Dear Evan Hansen_ ', that's your name." 

"O-oh! Yeah, nononono, that's just a stupid- it's just this paper that I have to write- so, so it's for an assignment," he said, red-faced as he reached for the paper. Connor pulled it away.

" _'Because there's Zoe.'_ " Silence fell. "..Is this about my sister?"

"Oh, nonono," Evan said hurriedly, grabbing for the paper again. 

"You wrote this because you knew that I would find it."

"What..?"

"Yeah. You, uh, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab so you wrote this and you printed this out so I would find it." Connor said definitively, holding onto the letter. That.. didn't even make sense to Evan and he just needed the letter back because people couldn't know that he had to write those and that he went to therapy and he just  _needed_ it back-

"..Why- why would I d-"

"So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?" Connor accused, yelling at this point. "And then  _you_ could tell everybody that  _I'M CRAZY!"_

"What?-"

" _Right?"_

"No! I-"

Connor barked something incoherent and raged out of the computer lab, Evan following a few steps after.

"Nonono I need that back- please- I need that back so can you  _please give it back?_ "


	2. batshit out of his mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan regrets a lot of shit and jared isn't very reasurring. and then evan receives some not so good news from the murphys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short sorry

_"A letter to yourself?" Jared laughed, and Evan couldn't even look him in the eye through a computer screen. "What the crap does that even mean? It's like, some kind of sex thing?"_

_"No,_ no _, it's not a sex thing. It was an assignment.."_

 _"Well why are you talkin' to_ me  _about this?"_

_"I don't know who else to talk to! You're my only- .. family friend." Evan finished lamely._

_"My God!" Jared scoffed, shaking his head._

_"I don't know what to do, okay, he stole the letter from me three days ago and then he just.. he hasn't been at school since."_

_"That does not bode well for you."_

_"What's he gonna do with it?"_

_"Who knows? Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind! Remember when he threw a printer at Mrs. G because he didn't get to be 'line leader' that day?"_

_"D'you think he's gonna show the letter to other people..?"  Evan asked hesitantly, hoping half-heartedly that that wasn't the case. People would maybe notice him, sure, but only to harass him about his 'weird sex letter'._

_"He's gonna ruin your life with it for sure! I mean, I would."_

* * *

 Anxiety roared through him as he made his way through the halls and toward the principal's office, his heartbeat becoming louder and louder in his ears as he got closer and closer to the gates of Hell itself. He'd been telling himself the whole way down that he wasn't getting in trouble, that there was no way he was getting in trouble, because he couldn't think of anything he'd done wrong. Maybe Doctor Sherman or his mom had called for something? But that didn't make sense either, he worried, because they had no reason to.

He was nauseous and sweating by the time he stepped into the main office. Evan looked up from the ground when he heard his name.

"Evan," the lady behind the counter said (her name was Susan, he knew from the embarrassingly numerous times he'd gotten sick and had to go home) with a smile that did nothing to ease his nerves. "Head back into Mister Howard's office whenever you're ready."

"I– uh.. why.. do you know why he wants to see me?" He stammered, able to physically feel how much he was sweating now.

"I'm not sure, sweetie."

Evan gave a stuttering nod and a faint thanks, picking at his nails as he walked towards his coffin. The cacophony that was his inner dialogue thrummed unhelpfully in his head as he opened the door and took the plunge. He was pretty sure sweat almost just got in his eye as he was met with two unfamiliar people. Principal Howard was nowhere to be found.

"Good morning," he said after a moment, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "Uh, is Mr. Howard..? I'm sorry, um, just– they said.. they said on the loudspeaker to go to the principal's office." His voice cracked a bit on the end there as he gestured weakly.

"Mr. Howard stepped out." The man said as he stood up, and Evan took a pace back in turn.

"Oh.." he said with a dry mouth, ready to bolt because surely this was a mistake of some sort.

"We'd like to speak to you in.. private?" The stranger said, effectively keeping Evan in place. There was a spell of silence in which the two stared at each other, Evan's heart pounding so loud that there was no possible way that they couldn't hear it at least a little. Why would these people need to speak to him? What could he have done wrong that involved them? "If you'd like to maybe.." the man gestured to the chair in the office.

Evan swallowed hard and slid into the seat. This was inexplicably terrifying. The room was starting to feel too small and stuffy.

"We're uh.." he cleared his throat. "We're Connor's parents."

The world that was spinning around him screeched to a jolting stop. Connor? As in Connor Murphy? The dread and fear that washed over him mingled together to create a whole new monster, and his chest tightened painfully as the sick feeling pooling in his stomach threatened to come up. Had Connor told them about his letter? That Evan was writing creepy stalker shit about Zoe? He was pretty sure he could go to jail for that or something! What if they thought he was actually a stalker? He was going to get expelled, he knew it–

"Why don't you go ahead, honey?" Mr. Murphy said, turning to the woman beside him, who Evan had completely forgotten about.

"I'm going as fast as I can," came Mrs. Murphy's choked response as she wiped her eyes and stared down at a paper. Oh, God, was that..?

"That's not what I said, is it?" Mr. Murphy asked as he sat down, and his wife started to hand Evan the paper. Oh, _God,_  it was.

"This is.." she started, seeming to search for the right words as Evan took the letter. _His_  letter. To himself. "Connor– he wanted you to have this."

Connor what? He didn't know what she meant as he rapidly scanned the page. Sure enough, it said exactly what he knew it would.

"We'd never head your name before. Connor never.. and then we saw 'Dear Evan Hansen'.." Mr. Murphy said, pointing toward the paper.

Evan cleared his throat now. "He gave this to you?"

"We didn't know you two were friends."

"...friends?" Evan finally looked up from the paper, hoping they wouldn't notice how his hands were shaking. He and Connor Murphy were.. far from friends, to put it simply.

"We didn't think Connor had any friends. And then we see this.. this letter. And it seems to pretty clearly suggest that you two were—or at least for Connor—that he thought of you as.."

Evan stared. There was no way that Connor had.. this couldn't be happening.

"I mean it's right there, 'Dear Evan Hansen', that's your name. It's addressed to _you,_ he wrote it to you."

"You think that this, um..? You think that Connor wrote this to me." Evan said as he kept his eyes locked on the paper, nervousness pounding through him just as surely as his own heartbeat, which was through the roof at this point.

"These were the words he wanted to share with you.." Mrs. Murphy said softly, and Evan didn't know what that was supposed to mean.

"They were going to be his last words." Mr. Murphy commented before the woman spoke again.

"This is what he wanted you to have when he.."

"I'm sorry, what do you mean 'last words'?" Evan cut in anxiously, looking up again. 'Going to be his last words'..? That.. that didn't sound right.

Another bout of silence followed his words as the Murphys exchanged looks. Mr. Murphy spoke up first.

"Connor, uh.. Connor tried to take his own life."

Shock. Shock was the first thing to register. And then he was numb.

"He what?" Evan said in a voice lilted high with disbelief.

"We found this in his pocket. And you can see he was.. he was trying to explain it. Why he was.. 'I wish that everything was different. I wish anything I said mattered to anyone. I wish I was apart of something-'"

"Larry, please stop!" Mrs. Murphy interjected, eyes filled with tears.

"Okay, but, um, this isn't.. I'm sorry, Connor, uh.. Connor didn't write this." Evan said, eyes locked on the letter. This was a horrible misunderstanding, a drastic mistake.

"What does he mean?" Mrs. Murphy turned frantically to her husband.

"He's obviously in shock."

"Nonono! He just-"

"It's _right here!_ " Mrs. Murphy rose to her feet, and Evan followed suit.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

And then it was a blur of his pleading and Mrs. Murphy's desperate words and then Mr. Murphy talking and the pressure was just _way_  too much. Evan could feel his head spinning. He stood there staring at the ground as he was dragged through a sickening bout of panic as if he were hanging from the back of a train as it screeched across the tracks. Eventually he caught the words telling him he could go, and he spun around so fast that he almost fell over, leaving the office so dizzy and with his breathing so irregular that he knew he'd either pass out or have an attack if he didn't get somewhere he could calm down.

He had no idea that the rockiest patch of his life was hurtling toward him like an asteroid through the atmosphere, ready to engulf him in flames. 

**Author's Note:**

> heyo next chapter the call w jared and some actual plot progress !! stick around buddos


End file.
